PART 3

For those of you who have not read the previous parts:

Part 1

Part 2

The scariest part about marriage is the unknowns… “Am I taking the right decision? Is this the right time? Is this the right partner for me”. Boys and Girls did not really have to carry the burden of thinking about this as this decision rested on the parents and society… until recently. With more boys and girls making marriage their personal decision these questions are coming to haunt them. The main reason for this fear is because of lack of clarity of thought on this subject. People seldom differentiate between fantasy and reality. These dreams shatter after marriage and people find themselves in a spot after getting married. This poisons the relationship and finally ends up in a break up.

It is very important to understand yourselves and your expectations from your partner. Take my word – things will not fall into place after marriage; you have to put them in place. Most people  equate love to success of marriage. Love in itself is nothing without commitment, passion, faithfulness, trust… the list is endless. So if one of these factors is even lacking by a fraction … there will be a strain on the relationship. I would advise the couple to sit and discuss their expectations – both of them will have to compromise and sacrifice… Well that is part of being in a relationship.

It is very important not to have un-realistic expectations. Everything from kids, finance, sex to retirement should be a topic of discussion. Where do you want to see this relationship in 10 years … in 20 years … do you guys concur on a common goal? How are you going to manage finance? Something as small as keeping a pet can strain the relationship to unbelievable extents. The future of the relationship is equally important as the present and will need discussion.

One more thing I would like to advice boys and girls here is not to fall for pressure. The amount of pressure that your family/relatives, friends and society can put on you in unbelievable! Guess what – they only want that free meal – after that you have to row the boat all alone. So make sure it is your decision – do not let others push you into it and then regret later. Take your time – this is a decision of a lifetime and you don’t want to get it wrong.

Talking about pressure – one more thing that our society tends to do it – get you married as a solution to the problem. “He is not responsible enough – let us get him married”. Marriage is a problem in itself – there is no prince charming coming to sweep you off your feet and carry you to happily ever after. Marriage is not a solution to any of your problems. Marriage is not going to make you any more responsible than you are when you were not married.

Here I would like to point out that especially girls have this notion that they can change their partner and their main tool – love. Boys and Girls you are looking down the wrong alley. No person will change unless and until he/she wants to change himself/herself … and your love and support can help your partner change himself/herself. Please remove this idea from your head that you can go around changing people. If he is a drunkard before marriage – he will remain a drunkard after marriage. Rather than trying to change a person you should look at accepting the person as he/she is. As the saying goes – you don’t deserve the best in him/her when you cannot accept the worst in him/her.

The scariest part about all the above is – most of the boys and girls never really get a chance to discuss their fears, expectations and everything else with the parents or friends. The general opinion offered is “everything will be ok after marriage” There seems to be a stigma around it. Don’t be afraid to discuss marriage – if you cannot find a trustworthy friend or relative to discuss – go to a marriage councilor. You don’t want to be taking the wrong ideas into your new relationship.

Now keep holding your breath for the next part …